i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
