i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
