well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
