I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
