I just pynch a tree in the face
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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