Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Randomize
