The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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