I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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