is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
