i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My penis needs a shock collar
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
