They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
