Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
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