Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
