I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
