i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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