Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
