I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
