ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
