i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
