Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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