Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
