im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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