I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
