i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
