Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
