i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
