Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
