Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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