Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize