we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
