I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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