dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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