I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
