Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
