im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
