I heard we made out
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize