he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
