She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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