If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
