the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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