having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
