when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
