I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
