9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
