He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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