So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
