final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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