im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize