I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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