Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
