My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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