My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
