I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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