We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
