Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
And then he peed in my hair
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