I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
