dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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