Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
