I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
