I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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