Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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