Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
