here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
