Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
