Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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