I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
