Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
