This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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